What do you mean you don't like peanut butter??!

I've not exactly been showering myself in glory in terms of "mother of the year" lately.  I mean lets take last weekend as a prime example.  Instead of spending the bank holiday weekend with Madam I abandoned her (to her father obviously, I didn't leave a couple of boxes of cold Dominos in the kitchen and tell her "I wont be long") to go cover myself in glitter, don spandex and party in a field near Northampton at the glorious Shambala.  To be fair it was my birthday and at 33 years old it seemed utterly necessary to pop my festival cherry.  God that sounds so pathetic at 33...practically on the "Never Been Kissed" spectrum.  So yes, I had some time out and came back thinking I needed to step up my game this weekend to make up for it. 

Now we, like most of the country and (if Buzzfeed is taken as gospel WHICH IT SHOULD BE) the world, are completely engrossed in The Great British Bake Off.  Pose provides full commentary and critique whilst I sit thinking how I'd quite like to enter GBBO but not sure the BBC would approve of the sweet looking 33yo baker swearing incessantly in the background.  Inspiration peaked by Ugne's PB&J ice cream roll (GET IN MY BELLY NOW), Pose and I decided to do a little mummy-Pose-baking-bonding.

Peanut butter is food of the gods.  Fact.  You simply can't make me think otherwise.  I'm stunned that other than peanut butter cookies I've never really tried baking with peanut butter.  Or I'm just a purist.  I dunno.  Anyway, we thought we'd do something with peanut butter...and jam....and cake...and then wrap it all up in chocolate.  Because why wouldn't you!?

Recipe - PB&J Cake Pops from my own head

Ingredients

Cake pops:
¾ cups plain flour
½ tsp. baking powder
pinch of salt
¼ cup unsalted butter, softened
⅓ cup granulated sugar
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1 tsp. vanilla extract
¼ cup full fat milk

Filling:
Peanut Butter
Jam

Icing:
Slab of chocolate covering for cake (or chocolate,  but I had cake covering in the cupboard (as you do))

Equipment:
Cake pop maker
Cake release spray
Sticks (for the cake pops, I don't mean random sticks from the garden obvs)
Tray covered in baking parchment

(makes about 15 cake pops)

Method

1. Turn on the cake pop maker and spray the inside with a little cake release spray.
2. Sift the flour, baking powder and salt into a bowl.
3. Using a food mixer (or not, your call) beat the butter until pale and fluffy, then gradually beat in the sugar until its fully incorporated. 
4. Next, reduce the speed and beat in the egg, the egg yolk and the vanilla. 
5. Reduce the speed again to low and gradually add the flour and milk (alternating) to the mix until its all blended.
6. Spoon a little of the batter into each cake "hole" (about ¾ of the way), then dollop a little peanut butter and a little jam into the centre.  Spoon a little more of the batter onto the top (so its about to go over the brim).  Close and cook for about 6mins. 
7. Once the cake pops are cooked, carefully ease them out and put on a wire rack to cool.  Make more batches.

The perfectionist in me is disappointed in the lack of roundness, but what are you going to do eh?

8. Break the chocolate covering into even(ish) chunks and melt in a glass bowl over a pan of boiling water (or microwave it - I just don't have a microwave and yes I am ok with that). Once its all melted, take it off the heat.
9. Carefully put a stick in a cake pop (its a bit fiddly as the filling makes them a little unstable) and even more carefully dump into the melted chocolate and cover the whole thing in chocolate.  Put the cake pop cake side down onto the baking parchment.  Repeat with all the other cakes and let cool.

10. EAT ALL OF THEM AT ONCE.  

Yes that's a steering wheel.  I had a cake pop for breakfast.  Don't judge me.

This was all a bit of an experiment not least because I'd never used a cake pop maker before so I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome.  Personally I think the texture of the cake was a bit close so I'll probably switch up the recipe a bit.  It could also be that the PB&J center affected the bake (ooooh I sound all Mary Berry!).  Regardless it'll need some refinement work which will mean a lot of tasting and then more tasting.
 

Damn.

Fake it and bake it - Oven Baked French Toast

When it comes to being a good mama in the kitchen (I've said it before) I live my life chasing the 1950s housewife ideal. I guess these days its more Mrs Flax in Mermaids and less Betty Draper in Mad Men...but then again maybe Betty Draper isn't someone to aspire to?  I mean her relationship with her daughter was pretty shitty and she smoked a lot...her love of a good cocktail is something I can most definitely get behind though. Then again, that description would fit Mrs Flax as snug as one of her wiggle skirts so I guess this means to be a good 1950s mama you basically needed to be able to balance looking fabulous standing next to the kitchen sink, balancing a cigarette in one hand and a dirty martini in the other.  As aspirations go, I got this.

When you watch 1950s era movies and tv shows (or in fact ANY American tv featuring a family) it's a given that there'll be a scene where the family are having a good ole all American Sunday brunch, be it pancakes, waffles or French toast.  A fry up it ain't.  When I lived in the US, Sunday's meant the Cromwell Diner and eggs benedict.  These days Sunday mornings are usually about 1 of 2 things depending on if Pose is with me.  If no Pose, its for chilling out and living every parent's fantasy - having a lie in (sorryI'mnotsorry there have to be SOME perks to divorce) - if yes Pose, then its still about chilling but also having quality time together.  So when I asked her what she wanted for breakfast a few Sundays ago and she produced a cookery book I got free with my pizza stone (which she claims is hers and lives in her play kitchen) I couldn't really say no.  I flicked through the book and landed on a recipe for oven baked French toast which peaked my interest, so naturally I put the cook book down, went into the kitchen and improvised.

Recipe - Oven Baked French Toast from my own head

Ingredients
1 egg
Good glug of milk (lets say 100ml)
1tbs caster sugar
½ tsp cinnamon
1 vanilla pod (if you have one otherwise no biggie)
Dash of vanilla essence
Sliced white bread (or whatever you have)

Method
1. Pre-heat the oven to 200C and grease an ovenproof dish.
2. Put all the ingredients (except the bread and the vanilla pod) in a bowl and if you are as fabulous as me and happen to have vanilla pods just lying around (I'm SO Nigella these days, just without all the coke) put a large slash lengthwise and scrape all the seeds into the bowl.  Whisk vigorously.
3. When it comes to the bread prep its pretty much up to you.  I used a large round cookie cutter and cut 4 circles of bread.  Take the bread and dip it in the egg mixture.  Arrange evenly spaced in the dish and pour over the rest of the mixture.
4. Pop in the oven and bake until golden, which is somewhere between 15-20mins.

As for serving go with whatever takes your fancy.  I would suggest maple syrup personally but my daughter is weird when it comes to maple syrup and refuses to eat it.  Seriously, she had a melt down when we were in Canada last week because I asked her to try the local maple syrup.  I'm talking FULL BLOWN TANTRUM.  I'm such a horrible mother.

Anyway, Pose opted for boltella* and strawberries, and I went with strawberries, blueberries a bit of greek yoghurt and yes, a drizzle of MAPLE SYRUP FOR ME.  Because, you know, I'm not a little weirdo *eyeroll* 

Well, most of the time.

Ciao for now...where's the amaretto? I've got washing up to do!

*Nutella

...eating her curds...

Was the wait just too hard to bear?  Did you cope?  I know, I know...not quite a True Blood-holding-your-breath style cliffhanger but you never know.  Maybe a broken tart crust leaves your heart pounding?

So where were we? 

I went to bed that night happy with my 6 pie crusts and awoke thinking that the pie crusts seemed incredibly fragile.  I therefore decided to leave them out to harden up a little (i.e. go a little stale).  It just seemed like the right thing to do. 

As I was getting ready to leave for work I was enjoying listening to the conversation between hubby and Pose.  They were discussing the pie crusts and being very cute.  And then I heard the words that never precede good news..."oops".  I peaked my head around the corner to be greeted with pie crust carnage.  ANOTHER TART WAS BROKEN.  I asked why and was given my husband's cute-I'm-trying-to-get-out-of-jail-free-smile (I got no answer to the "why?" but have assumed he was trying to break a little bit off just to get a taste and well, you know the rest).  I just put my face in my hands and explained that I was already down 2 and this now put me in negative equity.  He offered to make more and I really had no choice so let him get on with it, grudgingly thanking him.

Evidently, he is not a pastry chef (but I love that he offered to try to fix it).

Sunday morning rolled around and I was at my mother's bright and early preparing the Mothering Sunday lunch of Coq au Vin (containing 1 entire bottle of very nice red plonk - my father (who does a great hangover fry-up but isn't exactly renowned for his culinary skills) tried to stop me putting in the 725ml called for by the recipe and claimed my mother only puts about a cup in.  I said the recipe I was using was HER recipe given to me about 9yrs ago.  He said ok, but that a bottle is 750mls so I should just pour the lot in...um, ok dad...).  Once that was all settled into the slow cooker I set my mind to completing the LMP (remember Lemon Meringue Pie*).  So next step, lemon curd (see what I did there?  Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet eating her curds...?  No...?  Killjoy).

The recipe - LMP courtesy of the New York Times Cook Book (1961 edition!)

Part 2, the lemon curd

1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 cup flour (I used plain)
3 tbsp cornstarch (I used cornflour - I'm not sure if there's a difference?)
2 cups water
3 eggs, separated (save the whites for the meringue topping)
1 tbsp butter
1/4 cup lemon juice (this is roughly the juice of 1 lemon)
grated rind of 1 lemon

1. Combine the sugar, salt, flour and cornstarch and gradually stir in the water.  Cook, stirring constantly, until thickened and smooth. 

I should point out here that the recipe isn't particularly detailed on how to "cook" so I basically put the ingredients in a saucepan over a low heat and stirred using a whisk.  You need to be patient though, it takes its time thickening.

2. Gradually stir hot mixture into beaten egg yolks, return to low heat and cook, stirring, two minutes.  Stir in butter, lemon juice and rind and cool slightly.  Pour into baked pastry shell and cool.

Again, not much detail.  Personally after step 1 I put the pan to one side to cool (away from the heat) and then set to beating the yolks, zesting and juicing the lemon.  By the time you are finished (unless you are "Supercook" - faster than a speeding Kitchenaid!!) the hot mixture should be about cool enough to mix in the cold mixture.  Just be wary.  I remember an episode of Masterchef The Professionals where they set the "professionals" the task of making lemon curd and the majority of them created lemony scrambled eggs.  I succeeded where they failed - hurrah!!

Once the mixture begins to cool it goes quite gloopy so you will need to give it a quick whisk.  I then spooned the curd into the pie crusts (and some additional crusts I had quickly made with some ready-to-roll pastry my mum had in the fridge) and returned to the Coq au Vin whilst the pie's cooled.

Of course you could stop here and let them set to have lemon tart instead.  My family took some of the pastry off-cuts and dipped it into the remaining lemon curd as a sort of appetiser (I guess?) and seemed very taken with the curd.  It even got my Nan's seal of approval.  Although it didn't help with her regular afternoon bout of heartburn...

You might notice this post's distinctive lack of pictures.  I take all my baking pictures on my iPhone (its just more handy than my good camera to be honest) and it just so happened that this particular Sunday my mother, my brother and I all had dead iPhones.  It being Mother's Day (i) I had to wait for my mother to get up to find the charger, and (ii) ranking in order of seniority (read "age" but shhh don't tell her I said that), I had to wait for my mother to charge her iPhone.  You'll have to wait for the next post to see pictures.  

...to be continued**...

* My nurse friend advises me that LMP stands for something entirely different and not dinner-time-talk.  Oops.

** Oooh another cliffhanger!! Well I did say it would be a saga.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet...

I'm pretty sure that the curds and whey Little Miss Muffet was eating had something to do with cheese and not lemon curd but hey...lets talk tuffets.

Finally I got around to blogging about the last piece of the Mother's Day afternoon tea puzzle*.  What has this got to do with Little Miss Muffet or curds and whey?  Well, my mother's favourite dessert is Lemon Meringue Pie (at least I think it is, she always seems to have a Sara Lee one in the freezer) so I decided to attempt a Lemon Meringue Pie, well not one, 8 Lemon Meringue Pies....in miniature of course!  I have never made a Lemon Meringue Pie (seriously I can't be bothered to type that each time so lets go with "LMP" from now on) before as I'm not a massive fan of it, or meringue (I really don't - its like the hubby's weird cake-phobia - well not that weird, that really is bizarre.  Worst of all it seems to be genetic and my daughter has also started rejecting cake!  What is the world coming to when a 2yr old doesn't like cake!?!?).

Anyway, moving swiftly on...

So yes, I had never made an LMP before.  I figured that with a classic recipe like this you really need to go back to an old recipe.  Now my mother was friends with a lovely loud Southern gal' who had a great passion for cookery and had amassed a large collection of cook books.  Sadly she passed away and the cook books needed a new home.  A large number of her books were American cuisine and given that at this point in time I was dating hubby my mother thought the best home for these books would be with me.  One of my favourite of these books is a real tome and according to the inside covers was published back in 1961.  I went straight to this book to find an LMP recipe and there it was.  Oh, and its The New York Times Cook Book so I figured it must be a decent recipe.  I wasn't wrong.

The recipe - LMP courtesy of the New York Times Cook Book (1961 edition!)

Part 1, the crust
I decided to go with a sweet pie pastry recipe (the book also gives other crust recipes) as follows:

2 cups sifted all-purpose flour (I used plain)
2 egg yolks
2 tablespoons sugar (I used caster)
1 cup butter (at room temperature)
Grated rind of 1 lemon
Pinch of salt

1. Sift the flour into a mixing bowl.  Make a well in the centre and add the remaining ingredients.

2. Mix the centre ingredients with the fingers of one hand or a pastry blender until blended.  Quickly work in the flour.  Add a small amount of ice water if necessary to moisten the dough so it can be gathered into a ball.



3. Wrap the dough in waxed paper (I'll admit it, I'm lazy and just put it in the fridge in the mixing bowl) and chill one hour.  Roll out the pastry, fit it into the pans (the recipe makes either 6 tart shells or 2 9-inch pie shells, I made slightly smaller ones to fit in a cupcake tray) and bake on the bottom shelf of a preheated hot oven (450F) until brown, about 15mins (just watch them!!).

Now you might notice that there are 8 crusts in the first picture and only 6 in the second picture.  Well it seems that the crusts had their own opinion on LMPs (or perhaps just shared mine) and took it all a bit personally.  They couldn't quite bear it anymore and took dramatic action:

I may have lost 2 of my "tuffets" (I seriously don't know what a tuffet is but it works so lets just go with it) but figured that although there were 8 people eating (i) I'm not a fan so could go without; and (ii) my 2 year old really doesn't NEED dessert. I was still in the game...

...to be continued**.....

* I was baking on Sunday (Hot Cross Buns! Post coming soon...) so fully intended to sit down last night and write this up. Alas, my laptop seemed to be hating on me (I'm so down with the kids) and then I got side tracked by the brand spanking new episode of Mad Men (hurrah!!).

** Oooh baking cliffhanger, exciting times....I was recounting the tale of the LMP to a friend the other night and she described it as a saga, so lets just go with that too.  A lickle experiment.

Carrot juice tastes like evil

Its only since I became an "adult" (and I use that term with not just a grain of salt, but a ruddy great bucket of it) that I began to like carrot cake.  Actually it could have just been that the thought of putting carrot...in a...cake (!?) sent me into a great sadness ("why god why!?!?").  I mean vegetables...in a cake....that's just wrong on all levels.

Then there's the carrot factor.  A couple of weeks ago I was in Pret grabbing breakfast and saw a bottle of carrot juice.  It said "grab me" (it literally said "grab me" on the bottle) so I thought "sure, what the hell".  I mean how bad could it be?  My friend K is into juicing (vegetables not just fruit) and really seems to like her concoctions plus its meant to be super healthy.  I was also trying to be on a new year's health kick, the carrot juice just seemed to come along at the right time.

Sure.

I took a sip of the carrot juice and instantly regretted it.  It tasted like vomit.  Actually carroty vom.  I told myself off, I mean I'm an adult right?  It really can't be that bad, I'm sure I'll get used to it.  So I took another sip.  Still vom.  Another sip?  Yep, still carroty vom.  I gave up.  Carrot juice tastes evil.  I-kid-you-not.  It tastes like the carrot found out about the carrot juicing, topped itself then rotted in the bottle for a year.  I spent the rest of the day belching carrot juice and feeling like I would actually vom carrot juice.  It was vile.  Morning sickness was more fun.

Anyway I wasn't a fan of carrot cake until recently.  Now I realise that it doesn't taste vegetable-y (yes, that's a word, I just wrote it and spell check didn't correct it) or carroty vom, it actually tastes quite pleasant.

My NCT group were having a little meet up and I offered to bake (I'll take any excuse) and figured carrot cake would be a good option.  Now when I was pregnant and suffering from delusions of wanting to be the greatest-mummy-baker but being paranoid of making my unborn child fat, I bought the book Red Velvet Chocolate Heartache by Harry Eastwood.  Sounds good right?  Well there's a catch.  All of the recipes try to sneak in vegetables and contain very little fat.  Sounds like I'm talking sh*t?  To my constant surprise the recipes are actually pretty delish (I've secretly served the title chocolate cake (that contains aubergine, yes A.U.B.E.R.G.I.N.E.) to dinner guests and they've been very complimentary (and I don't think they were just being polite).  The recipes also seem to be largely gluten free.  So...

The recipe - Carrot Cake

I'm too lazy to type this up!

Basically follow the recipe!  Well, unless you're me.  I misread how much lime to use in the icing and instead put in the zest and juice of 1 whole lime (not just half the zest and 2tsp of the juice).  That being said everyone said they really enjoyed the zingy icing.

The recipe doesn't go into any detail on how to go about icing the cake so I've put some pictures below:

1. Put a big dollop of icing in the centre of the base cake (my base cake was a little bigger than the top cake - I realised all too late that none of my 3 loose bottom tins are the same size!).

2. Using a palette knife, spread the icing out across the base.

3. Carefully place the top cake onto the bottom cake and repeat steps 1 and 2 for the top cake.

4. Make some little carrots!!  Using some fondant icing, mix a little water, a couple of drops of red food colouring and a lot of drops of yellow food colouring (alternatively just use orange food colouring!!) and mix into a pliable dough.  Sprinkle some icing sugar onto a board and pop the icing ball onto the board.

5. Now I tried 2 different ways to make the carrot decorations.  The first way I split the dough into 4 portions and then tried to shape the dough into carrot shapes.  This didn't seem to work too well and in fact looked like I was trying to replicate an earlier creation.  I wasn't thrilled with the results of the second way but I needed to leave for the meet-up so the second way was the only way...I started by flattening the ball with the palm of my hand.

6.  Using a knife cut 2 eye shapes out of the icing and cut each of the eye shapes in half again.

7. Taking the knife, make several horizontal gashes across the surface of the "carrots".

8. Next I added a ton of green food colouring to the left over orange icing (yes I could have started again but I HATE waste) and flatten the icing out.  Then cut the icing into thin strips.

9. Cut the long green strips in half and layer them on the cake like the roots of the carrot and place the carrot gently overlapping the ends.

10. Continue to do the same for the other 3 carrots.

The cake tasted really good, even if I do say so myself.  My icing carrots were a bit of a disappointment though.  The icing wouldn't set so the carrots got a little limp.  I'm not having much luck with fondant icing!

All that aside, the cake went down a treat at the meet-up and I was able to take some leftovers to the folks (they had offered to babysit for us that night and I felt I should take some cake by way of a thank you).  In fact, my father insisted I left him the last of the cake.  Sounds like a success to me.

"You gotta plan these things. Even if it's just a post it on your desk at work when you should be doing something else. Some people doodle when they are dodging work, I apparently draw penis cakes"

Before I even begin, firstly I apologise for failing in my task of blogging each week and not posting last week.  I was afflicted with a plague!!  Well not quite that dramatic but I got the flu and wasn't a well bunny.  I did bake albeit in a hazy, flu induced state and following that promptly went to bed for a week.  Secondly, I have to forewarn you that this post features the word "penis" and penis shaped objects.  'Rents and in laws, I sincerely apologise if this causes any offence...

I also apologise about the photos in this post (a) there are A LOT; and (b) blogger seems to be taking editorial decisions for me and uploaded several the wrong way round.  Oh well.

My lovely friend, the Ginger Ninja, was turning 30 and for her surprise party our friend M and I decided wouldn't it be nice if we baked her a birthday cake...in the shape of a penis...with ginger pubes.  I know I know, we are truly caring sharing sorta gals.  We discussed, at some length, whether to use a penis shaped cake pan or whether to carve a cake into shape and how to create the ginger pubes - I was all about trying to spin sugar and was really looking forward to having a bash at it.  I had been ridiculously excited about attempting this cake for weeks. 

Anyone would think my friends and I have a some sort of penis obsession.  For another friend's wedding we decided that the hen party wouldn't be complete without a penis piñata, so one of the other bridesmaids painstakingly constructed a colourful penis piñata.  The first attempt didn't work.  The balloons she had used to do the paper mache started losing air so the whole pinata became...ahem...flaccid.  Of course we found this hysterical and many many (many) jokes followed on a pretty common theme.  The second one came out awesome although the hens got a little too carried away whacking it.

ANYWAY, I know, I'm so far off track here....

Finally the cake baking week came and unfortunately poor M was unwell so I threw myself into the task with great gusto.  After much um-ing and ah-ing I decided to make 3 cakes - 2 round and 1 oblong which I would then trim as necessary.  I had considered making 1 big sheet cake and then cutting that down but couldn't bear the thought of throwing so much cake away.

Seriously.  I planned it on a post-it.

Seriously.  I planned it on a post-it.

So, I left work that night announcing to all that I needed to leave on time because I had to go home and bake a penis cake.

Having researched a couple of recipes I settled on a basic sponge recipe I found on the BBC's Good Food website.  I have to admit that I settled on this recipe because when I   looked in the fridge I realised I had forgotten to buy more eggs and didn't have much baking powder left.  I was conscious that the recipe for 1 cake probably wouldn't be big enough, so having 5 eggs at my disposal I recalculated the recipe (the recipe called for 3 eggs, so I divided each ingredient quantity in the original recipe by 3 then multiplied the result by 5 - very scientific - I am very smart - Stephen Hawking cowers in my presence).  I have set out the amended recipe below but also provided a link to the original recipe.  To be honest, because of what I was attempting to create, other than the basic cake ingredients and the oven temperature the recipe instructions are all from my very "special" brain.  I have included plenty of construction pics though since my brain doesn't quite know how to explain itself sometimes.  Case in point - I was explaining to 2 colleagues the other day what my wedding dress looked like (very pretty) and managed to make it sound more like something from "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding".

The recipe - Penis Cake! (with thanks for the recipe from BBC's Good Food website)

For the cake:

292g unsalted butter, softened

292g caster sugar

1⅔ tsp baking powder

2½ tsp vanilla extract (I actually make my own vanilla extract, its easy peasy)

5 eggs
292g self-raising flour
2 tsp red food colouring 

For the filling:
Seedless raspberry jam
Vanilla frosting (I cheated and used Betty Crocker Vanilla Frosting)

For the icing:
500g fondant icing
9 drops of pink food colouring
Tube of white writing icing

You will also need:
1 x 8in/1.5qt glass loaf dish
1 x 1qt glass bowl (if you have 2, even better)
6x1in wide long pieces of baking parchment
1x8in wide long piece of baking parchment

1. Heat the oven to 180C/fan 160C/gas 4.  Butter the loaf dish and bowl, line the bowl with 3 of the 1in wide pieces of baking parchment (you may need a little extra butter where the paper overlaps) and line the loaf dish with the with the larger piece of baking parchment:

2. Beat all the cake ingredients together in a large bowl (if possible one with measurements on it) until smooth.  Unfortunately I didn't soften my butter enough (read: at all) so my batter was a little lumpy.  Given what I was making, it did kinda give me the "ew" factor.  Pour 1/3 of the batter into each dish and level out. 

3. Bake for about 50 mins-1 hr until they are well risen and spring back when lightly pressed (or do the skewer test). Leave to cool for 5 minutes then turn out onto a rack (you may need to run a knife around the edge but the paper should help you pull the cakes out of the dishes) and peel away the paper.  

I agree, it looks pretty gross.

4. Butter and line the bowl with the 3 remaining pieces of baking parchment (you may need to wash the bowl to remove any crumbs first) pour in the last of the batter and repeat step 3.  

5. Once cooled, put the 3 cakes onto a large board and get ready for carving.  

6. Start by cutting a 1/4 out of each bowl cake (can I really use the real term??) and set aside.

Pac-man had never felt so ashamed (or exposed)

7. Arrange the bowls at the base of the oblong cake (I just can't bring myself to say it...).  You may need to carve a straight edge on each bowl to make sure they sit well together.  Then take the 2 cut-out quarters and arrange at the top of the oblong cake.

8. Now to get to shaping...flatten off the base of the "tips" so they sit flat on the board then do the same for the bowls. Next round off the top of each bowl and plug the space where the quarters were removed using the off-cuts.

9. Next onto filling.  Cut each piece in half so you can create a sandwich.  Brush off any crumbs (I used a pastry brush) and position the bottom layer on the serving dish/board.  Spread a layer of the frosting all over each piece.

Its got white stuff in it...heeheehee!

10. Carefully take each top piece, spread it with jam and layer it onto its corresponding bottom layer.  Its best to start with the oblong cake and build around it.  Again, brush off any crumbs and spread a very thin layer of jam over the top of the cake and let the jam set.

11. Now here comes the decorating part.  In my head I had firmly decided I would use rolled icing and was extremely confident I could do it.  My confidence wasn't completely unfounded though.  My mum is a very talented cake decorator and as I grew up she was often making wedding cakes and celebration cakes for various friends and family.  Most recently she made my bubba's 1st birthday cake (a duck pond complete with ducks) but she also made my wedding cake.  

This pic really doesn't do it enough justice.
It looked like a pile of wedding presents.

As I got older I often helped my ma with the cake decorating including wedding cakes and her cousin's 40th birthday cake - the infamous "boobs in a bra cake", which were scarily realistic (and you wonder why I felt so comfortable making the penis cake!? Who's feeling foolish now, huh?)  Point is I thought that mixing some pink icing to roll out and cover the cake would be a piece of cake (oooh, do you see what I did there?).  I was wrong.  The icing finally came into a ball and was a good looking colour, however the rolling was a different matter entirely.  Every time I rolled it out some part of the icing stuck firmly to the board and then completely tore when I tried to remove it (and yes, I did put a lot of icing down before I started rolling).  After several attempts, a LOT of swearing, a bit of crying and a teensy tantrum I ended up chucking the icing in the bin.  It just wasn't working.  Thankfully some foresight had made me buy 2 boxes of icing so after some urging by my ever-frustrated counterpart I decided to make spreadable/pourable fondant icing.  Simply follow the instructions on the packet and add the pink colouring (again look at the bottle for guidance), then carefully spoon the icing over the cake.  It should (although you may need to do a bit of coaxing) gently slide over the cake, covering it.  Patch up any exposed bits of cake with extra icing.

Amazingly the fondant clings to the cake really nicely giving it a a scarily realistic look!

Amazingly the fondant clings to the cake really nicely giving it a
a scarily realistic look!

12.  Clean the plate of any stray icing.  Take the white writing icing and, starting at the tip, write your greeting (unfortunately mine looks like I let my little-one do this for me and I was pretty disappointed with the writing) and you're done.

  

TA DAAAAAA - PENIS CAKE!

Unfortunately by the time I was done the flu had taken over and I was feeling really poorly.  No pubes would be produced.  Deflated, I promptly went upstairs and went to sleep for the rest of the day.  The husband told me I was restricted to bed rest so no party for me, however we compromised that I could drop the cake off.  We trundled off to the restaurant where I stayed to say "surprise" and "look what I made you!" and also to realise that my friend's parents were also at the party.  So yes, I'm the girl that presented a penis cake to my friend's parents.

The feedback from M was great though.  I hear it prompted a lot of laughter (including the parents) and nearly all of it was eaten.  Score!!  As a final point, it must be said that if you ever decide to make a penis cake try and transport it in something that isn't see through.  I just covered the cake in cling film and then felt like a massive weirdo walking into a very nice restaurant with what looked like an enormous penis on a plate.

Pride goeth before a fall

A staple in our household is the humble Jaffa Cake.  Unfortunately they are both a firm favourite of mine and the hubby's so they rarely last long and in fact usually lead to a War of the Roses stand off followed by a couples counselling session.

I love Jaffa Cakes. I still practise the "Full Moon, Half Moon, Total Eclipse" mantra but that's just how I roll.

Anyway, so a while ago on Saturday Morning Kitchen I saw Simon Rimmer make homemade Jaffa Cakes.  "Amazeballs!" I thought and vowed to try them.  So this weekend with expectations running high given my recent successes (do you recall the Michel Roux Jr references....?) I set out to making them.

As usual, the recipe has my commentary...

The recipe - Homemade Jaffa Cakes (with thanks (through gritted teeth) to Simon Rimmer)

For the cakes:
2 free-range eggs (I'm going to throw this out there, I know it sounds like I have an obsession with fresh eggs but I think these should be as fresh as possible given the cooking method)
50g / 2oz caster sugar
50g / 2oz plain flour

For the filling:
1 135g packet of orange jelly, chopped
1 tbs orange marmalade
125ml boiling water

For the chocolate:
200g / 7oz good quality dark chocolate (min 70% cocoa solids), chopped into pieces (seriously its a chocolate covered cakey biscuit, what did you expect!?!?)

1. Start by making the filling.  In a bowl, mix together the jelly, marmalade and boiling water until the jelly has dissolved and the mixture is smooth. Pour the filling mixture into a shallow-sided baking tray or large dish to form a thin layer of jelly (the recipe actually says a 1cm/½in layer but that seems far too thick to me). Set aside until completely cooled, then chill in the fridge until set.  (The recipe also called for this to be made at a later stage but I figured I'd give it more time to set).

2. Next, make the cakes.  Start by preheating the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4.  Bring a little water to the boil in a pan, then reduce the heat until the water is simmering. Suspend a heatproof bowl over the water (do not allow the base of the bowl to touch the water). Add the eggs and sugar to the bowl and beat continuously for 4-5 minutes, or until the mixture is pale, fluffy and well combined.

3. Add the flour, beating continuously, until a thick, smooth batter forms.

4. Half-fill each well in a 12-hole muffin tin with the cake batter. Transfer the tin to the oven and bake the cakes for 8-10 minutes, or until pale golden-brown and cooked through (the cakes are cooked through when a skewer inserted into the centre of the cakes comes out clean.) Remove from the oven and set the cakes aside, still in their tray, until cool.

5. When the jelly has set and the cakes have cooled, cut small discs from the layer of jelly, equal in diameter to the cakes (now my intimate knowledge of Jaffa Cakes means I know that the jelly bit does NOT cover the whole cake (the travesty!) so I cut the discs about 1cm smaller in diameter using a little medicine cup). 

                                          
6. This is where it all went tits up. Once the cakes were cooled they were meant to be removed from the tin.  I borrowed one of my mum's bigger non-stick tins for this as I didn't want to be faffing about with mine.  I went to turn the cakes out of the tin and they wouldn't budge.  I went to prise them out a little with a knife, and was successful.  At first.  Then they refused to come out without tearing. 

YOU WILL COME OUT!

"Fine, be that way" I thought "You're getting covered in chocolate anyway so I can cover the cracks" (yes, I sound like I know what I'm doing).  Then I had a little epiphany and figured that I should probably taste the cakes before making the chocolate.  Best.  Decision.  Ever.  They were vile - overly sweet, eggy, anaemic, rubbery hockey pucks.  They were like the little white sponges you can get to clean walls.  Unimpressed doesn't even begin to cover it.

At this point, it was coming up to 9pm on a Sunday night, The Time Traveller's Wife was on and the bottle of Port on the window sill had somehow found its way into my hand so I thought "sod it" and buggered off to the lounge.

The rest of the recipe, just to finish it off, is meant to go like this:

7. Sit one jelly disc on top of each cake.

8. For the chocolate, bring a little water to the boil in a pan, then reduce the heat until the water is simmering. Suspend a heatproof bowl over the water (do not allow the base of the bowl to touch the water).  Add the chocolate and stir until melted, smooth and glossy, then pour over the cakes. Set aside until the melted chocolate has cooled and set.

I have to say, I was pretty unimpressed by the recipe (yes, that may be influenced by my inability to complete it and yes, it was the recipe's fault not my mad-skillz).  I can't help thinking that the muffin tray should have been greased and I'm not sure what mixing the cake batter over the hot water does that mixing them cool wouldn't.  Perhaps I'll try doing it like that next time and see what those results are like. 

I guess I've been riding high for all of the posts so far that it was only a matter of time that I would have a tumble.  Problem is I now have a fridge full of orange jelly discs and nothing to do with them and I'm not going to attempt this again this week as I have a much bigger project to tackle.

Anyway there's a box in the cupboard so altogether now "full moon, half moon, total eclipse"....