Carrot juice tastes like evil

Its only since I became an "adult" (and I use that term with not just a grain of salt, but a ruddy great bucket of it) that I began to like carrot cake.  Actually it could have just been that the thought of putting carrot...in a...cake (!?) sent me into a great sadness ("why god why!?!?").  I mean vegetables...in a cake....that's just wrong on all levels.

Then there's the carrot factor.  A couple of weeks ago I was in Pret grabbing breakfast and saw a bottle of carrot juice.  It said "grab me" (it literally said "grab me" on the bottle) so I thought "sure, what the hell".  I mean how bad could it be?  My friend K is into juicing (vegetables not just fruit) and really seems to like her concoctions plus its meant to be super healthy.  I was also trying to be on a new year's health kick, the carrot juice just seemed to come along at the right time.

Sure.

I took a sip of the carrot juice and instantly regretted it.  It tasted like vomit.  Actually carroty vom.  I told myself off, I mean I'm an adult right?  It really can't be that bad, I'm sure I'll get used to it.  So I took another sip.  Still vom.  Another sip?  Yep, still carroty vom.  I gave up.  Carrot juice tastes evil.  I-kid-you-not.  It tastes like the carrot found out about the carrot juicing, topped itself then rotted in the bottle for a year.  I spent the rest of the day belching carrot juice and feeling like I would actually vom carrot juice.  It was vile.  Morning sickness was more fun.

Anyway I wasn't a fan of carrot cake until recently.  Now I realise that it doesn't taste vegetable-y (yes, that's a word, I just wrote it and spell check didn't correct it) or carroty vom, it actually tastes quite pleasant.

My NCT group were having a little meet up and I offered to bake (I'll take any excuse) and figured carrot cake would be a good option.  Now when I was pregnant and suffering from delusions of wanting to be the greatest-mummy-baker but being paranoid of making my unborn child fat, I bought the book Red Velvet Chocolate Heartache by Harry Eastwood.  Sounds good right?  Well there's a catch.  All of the recipes try to sneak in vegetables and contain very little fat.  Sounds like I'm talking sh*t?  To my constant surprise the recipes are actually pretty delish (I've secretly served the title chocolate cake (that contains aubergine, yes A.U.B.E.R.G.I.N.E.) to dinner guests and they've been very complimentary (and I don't think they were just being polite).  The recipes also seem to be largely gluten free.  So...

The recipe - Carrot Cake

I'm too lazy to type this up!

Basically follow the recipe!  Well, unless you're me.  I misread how much lime to use in the icing and instead put in the zest and juice of 1 whole lime (not just half the zest and 2tsp of the juice).  That being said everyone said they really enjoyed the zingy icing.

The recipe doesn't go into any detail on how to go about icing the cake so I've put some pictures below:

1. Put a big dollop of icing in the centre of the base cake (my base cake was a little bigger than the top cake - I realised all too late that none of my 3 loose bottom tins are the same size!).

2. Using a palette knife, spread the icing out across the base.

3. Carefully place the top cake onto the bottom cake and repeat steps 1 and 2 for the top cake.

4. Make some little carrots!!  Using some fondant icing, mix a little water, a couple of drops of red food colouring and a lot of drops of yellow food colouring (alternatively just use orange food colouring!!) and mix into a pliable dough.  Sprinkle some icing sugar onto a board and pop the icing ball onto the board.

5. Now I tried 2 different ways to make the carrot decorations.  The first way I split the dough into 4 portions and then tried to shape the dough into carrot shapes.  This didn't seem to work too well and in fact looked like I was trying to replicate an earlier creation.  I wasn't thrilled with the results of the second way but I needed to leave for the meet-up so the second way was the only way...I started by flattening the ball with the palm of my hand.

6.  Using a knife cut 2 eye shapes out of the icing and cut each of the eye shapes in half again.

7. Taking the knife, make several horizontal gashes across the surface of the "carrots".

8. Next I added a ton of green food colouring to the left over orange icing (yes I could have started again but I HATE waste) and flatten the icing out.  Then cut the icing into thin strips.

9. Cut the long green strips in half and layer them on the cake like the roots of the carrot and place the carrot gently overlapping the ends.

10. Continue to do the same for the other 3 carrots.

The cake tasted really good, even if I do say so myself.  My icing carrots were a bit of a disappointment though.  The icing wouldn't set so the carrots got a little limp.  I'm not having much luck with fondant icing!

All that aside, the cake went down a treat at the meet-up and I was able to take some leftovers to the folks (they had offered to babysit for us that night and I felt I should take some cake by way of a thank you).  In fact, my father insisted I left him the last of the cake.  Sounds like a success to me.

"You gotta plan these things. Even if it's just a post it on your desk at work when you should be doing something else. Some people doodle when they are dodging work, I apparently draw penis cakes"

Before I even begin, firstly I apologise for failing in my task of blogging each week and not posting last week.  I was afflicted with a plague!!  Well not quite that dramatic but I got the flu and wasn't a well bunny.  I did bake albeit in a hazy, flu induced state and following that promptly went to bed for a week.  Secondly, I have to forewarn you that this post features the word "penis" and penis shaped objects.  'Rents and in laws, I sincerely apologise if this causes any offence...

I also apologise about the photos in this post (a) there are A LOT; and (b) blogger seems to be taking editorial decisions for me and uploaded several the wrong way round.  Oh well.

My lovely friend, the Ginger Ninja, was turning 30 and for her surprise party our friend M and I decided wouldn't it be nice if we baked her a birthday cake...in the shape of a penis...with ginger pubes.  I know I know, we are truly caring sharing sorta gals.  We discussed, at some length, whether to use a penis shaped cake pan or whether to carve a cake into shape and how to create the ginger pubes - I was all about trying to spin sugar and was really looking forward to having a bash at it.  I had been ridiculously excited about attempting this cake for weeks. 

Anyone would think my friends and I have a some sort of penis obsession.  For another friend's wedding we decided that the hen party wouldn't be complete without a penis piñata, so one of the other bridesmaids painstakingly constructed a colourful penis piñata.  The first attempt didn't work.  The balloons she had used to do the paper mache started losing air so the whole pinata became...ahem...flaccid.  Of course we found this hysterical and many many (many) jokes followed on a pretty common theme.  The second one came out awesome although the hens got a little too carried away whacking it.

ANYWAY, I know, I'm so far off track here....

Finally the cake baking week came and unfortunately poor M was unwell so I threw myself into the task with great gusto.  After much um-ing and ah-ing I decided to make 3 cakes - 2 round and 1 oblong which I would then trim as necessary.  I had considered making 1 big sheet cake and then cutting that down but couldn't bear the thought of throwing so much cake away.

Seriously.  I planned it on a post-it.

Seriously.  I planned it on a post-it.

So, I left work that night announcing to all that I needed to leave on time because I had to go home and bake a penis cake.

Having researched a couple of recipes I settled on a basic sponge recipe I found on the BBC's Good Food website.  I have to admit that I settled on this recipe because when I   looked in the fridge I realised I had forgotten to buy more eggs and didn't have much baking powder left.  I was conscious that the recipe for 1 cake probably wouldn't be big enough, so having 5 eggs at my disposal I recalculated the recipe (the recipe called for 3 eggs, so I divided each ingredient quantity in the original recipe by 3 then multiplied the result by 5 - very scientific - I am very smart - Stephen Hawking cowers in my presence).  I have set out the amended recipe below but also provided a link to the original recipe.  To be honest, because of what I was attempting to create, other than the basic cake ingredients and the oven temperature the recipe instructions are all from my very "special" brain.  I have included plenty of construction pics though since my brain doesn't quite know how to explain itself sometimes.  Case in point - I was explaining to 2 colleagues the other day what my wedding dress looked like (very pretty) and managed to make it sound more like something from "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding".

The recipe - Penis Cake! (with thanks for the recipe from BBC's Good Food website)

For the cake:

292g unsalted butter, softened

292g caster sugar

1⅔ tsp baking powder

2½ tsp vanilla extract (I actually make my own vanilla extract, its easy peasy)

5 eggs
292g self-raising flour
2 tsp red food colouring 

For the filling:
Seedless raspberry jam
Vanilla frosting (I cheated and used Betty Crocker Vanilla Frosting)

For the icing:
500g fondant icing
9 drops of pink food colouring
Tube of white writing icing

You will also need:
1 x 8in/1.5qt glass loaf dish
1 x 1qt glass bowl (if you have 2, even better)
6x1in wide long pieces of baking parchment
1x8in wide long piece of baking parchment

1. Heat the oven to 180C/fan 160C/gas 4.  Butter the loaf dish and bowl, line the bowl with 3 of the 1in wide pieces of baking parchment (you may need a little extra butter where the paper overlaps) and line the loaf dish with the with the larger piece of baking parchment:

2. Beat all the cake ingredients together in a large bowl (if possible one with measurements on it) until smooth.  Unfortunately I didn't soften my butter enough (read: at all) so my batter was a little lumpy.  Given what I was making, it did kinda give me the "ew" factor.  Pour 1/3 of the batter into each dish and level out. 

3. Bake for about 50 mins-1 hr until they are well risen and spring back when lightly pressed (or do the skewer test). Leave to cool for 5 minutes then turn out onto a rack (you may need to run a knife around the edge but the paper should help you pull the cakes out of the dishes) and peel away the paper.  

I agree, it looks pretty gross.

4. Butter and line the bowl with the 3 remaining pieces of baking parchment (you may need to wash the bowl to remove any crumbs first) pour in the last of the batter and repeat step 3.  

5. Once cooled, put the 3 cakes onto a large board and get ready for carving.  

6. Start by cutting a 1/4 out of each bowl cake (can I really use the real term??) and set aside.

Pac-man had never felt so ashamed (or exposed)

7. Arrange the bowls at the base of the oblong cake (I just can't bring myself to say it...).  You may need to carve a straight edge on each bowl to make sure they sit well together.  Then take the 2 cut-out quarters and arrange at the top of the oblong cake.

8. Now to get to shaping...flatten off the base of the "tips" so they sit flat on the board then do the same for the bowls. Next round off the top of each bowl and plug the space where the quarters were removed using the off-cuts.

9. Next onto filling.  Cut each piece in half so you can create a sandwich.  Brush off any crumbs (I used a pastry brush) and position the bottom layer on the serving dish/board.  Spread a layer of the frosting all over each piece.

Its got white stuff in it...heeheehee!

10. Carefully take each top piece, spread it with jam and layer it onto its corresponding bottom layer.  Its best to start with the oblong cake and build around it.  Again, brush off any crumbs and spread a very thin layer of jam over the top of the cake and let the jam set.

11. Now here comes the decorating part.  In my head I had firmly decided I would use rolled icing and was extremely confident I could do it.  My confidence wasn't completely unfounded though.  My mum is a very talented cake decorator and as I grew up she was often making wedding cakes and celebration cakes for various friends and family.  Most recently she made my bubba's 1st birthday cake (a duck pond complete with ducks) but she also made my wedding cake.  

This pic really doesn't do it enough justice.
It looked like a pile of wedding presents.

As I got older I often helped my ma with the cake decorating including wedding cakes and her cousin's 40th birthday cake - the infamous "boobs in a bra cake", which were scarily realistic (and you wonder why I felt so comfortable making the penis cake!? Who's feeling foolish now, huh?)  Point is I thought that mixing some pink icing to roll out and cover the cake would be a piece of cake (oooh, do you see what I did there?).  I was wrong.  The icing finally came into a ball and was a good looking colour, however the rolling was a different matter entirely.  Every time I rolled it out some part of the icing stuck firmly to the board and then completely tore when I tried to remove it (and yes, I did put a lot of icing down before I started rolling).  After several attempts, a LOT of swearing, a bit of crying and a teensy tantrum I ended up chucking the icing in the bin.  It just wasn't working.  Thankfully some foresight had made me buy 2 boxes of icing so after some urging by my ever-frustrated counterpart I decided to make spreadable/pourable fondant icing.  Simply follow the instructions on the packet and add the pink colouring (again look at the bottle for guidance), then carefully spoon the icing over the cake.  It should (although you may need to do a bit of coaxing) gently slide over the cake, covering it.  Patch up any exposed bits of cake with extra icing.

Amazingly the fondant clings to the cake really nicely giving it a a scarily realistic look!

Amazingly the fondant clings to the cake really nicely giving it a
a scarily realistic look!

12.  Clean the plate of any stray icing.  Take the white writing icing and, starting at the tip, write your greeting (unfortunately mine looks like I let my little-one do this for me and I was pretty disappointed with the writing) and you're done.

  

TA DAAAAAA - PENIS CAKE!

Unfortunately by the time I was done the flu had taken over and I was feeling really poorly.  No pubes would be produced.  Deflated, I promptly went upstairs and went to sleep for the rest of the day.  The husband told me I was restricted to bed rest so no party for me, however we compromised that I could drop the cake off.  We trundled off to the restaurant where I stayed to say "surprise" and "look what I made you!" and also to realise that my friend's parents were also at the party.  So yes, I'm the girl that presented a penis cake to my friend's parents.

The feedback from M was great though.  I hear it prompted a lot of laughter (including the parents) and nearly all of it was eaten.  Score!!  As a final point, it must be said that if you ever decide to make a penis cake try and transport it in something that isn't see through.  I just covered the cake in cling film and then felt like a massive weirdo walking into a very nice restaurant with what looked like an enormous penis on a plate.