What do you mean you don't like peanut butter??!

I've not exactly been showering myself in glory in terms of "mother of the year" lately.  I mean lets take last weekend as a prime example.  Instead of spending the bank holiday weekend with Madam I abandoned her (to her father obviously, I didn't leave a couple of boxes of cold Dominos in the kitchen and tell her "I wont be long") to go cover myself in glitter, don spandex and party in a field near Northampton at the glorious Shambala.  To be fair it was my birthday and at 33 years old it seemed utterly necessary to pop my festival cherry.  God that sounds so pathetic at 33...practically on the "Never Been Kissed" spectrum.  So yes, I had some time out and came back thinking I needed to step up my game this weekend to make up for it. 

Now we, like most of the country and (if Buzzfeed is taken as gospel WHICH IT SHOULD BE) the world, are completely engrossed in The Great British Bake Off.  Pose provides full commentary and critique whilst I sit thinking how I'd quite like to enter GBBO but not sure the BBC would approve of the sweet looking 33yo baker swearing incessantly in the background.  Inspiration peaked by Ugne's PB&J ice cream roll (GET IN MY BELLY NOW), Pose and I decided to do a little mummy-Pose-baking-bonding.

Peanut butter is food of the gods.  Fact.  You simply can't make me think otherwise.  I'm stunned that other than peanut butter cookies I've never really tried baking with peanut butter.  Or I'm just a purist.  I dunno.  Anyway, we thought we'd do something with peanut butter...and jam....and cake...and then wrap it all up in chocolate.  Because why wouldn't you!?

Recipe - PB&J Cake Pops from my own head

Ingredients

Cake pops:
¾ cups plain flour
½ tsp. baking powder
pinch of salt
¼ cup unsalted butter, softened
⅓ cup granulated sugar
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1 tsp. vanilla extract
¼ cup full fat milk

Filling:
Peanut Butter
Jam

Icing:
Slab of chocolate covering for cake (or chocolate,  but I had cake covering in the cupboard (as you do))

Equipment:
Cake pop maker
Cake release spray
Sticks (for the cake pops, I don't mean random sticks from the garden obvs)
Tray covered in baking parchment

(makes about 15 cake pops)

Method

1. Turn on the cake pop maker and spray the inside with a little cake release spray.
2. Sift the flour, baking powder and salt into a bowl.
3. Using a food mixer (or not, your call) beat the butter until pale and fluffy, then gradually beat in the sugar until its fully incorporated. 
4. Next, reduce the speed and beat in the egg, the egg yolk and the vanilla. 
5. Reduce the speed again to low and gradually add the flour and milk (alternating) to the mix until its all blended.
6. Spoon a little of the batter into each cake "hole" (about ¾ of the way), then dollop a little peanut butter and a little jam into the centre.  Spoon a little more of the batter onto the top (so its about to go over the brim).  Close and cook for about 6mins. 
7. Once the cake pops are cooked, carefully ease them out and put on a wire rack to cool.  Make more batches.

The perfectionist in me is disappointed in the lack of roundness, but what are you going to do eh?

8. Break the chocolate covering into even(ish) chunks and melt in a glass bowl over a pan of boiling water (or microwave it - I just don't have a microwave and yes I am ok with that). Once its all melted, take it off the heat.
9. Carefully put a stick in a cake pop (its a bit fiddly as the filling makes them a little unstable) and even more carefully dump into the melted chocolate and cover the whole thing in chocolate.  Put the cake pop cake side down onto the baking parchment.  Repeat with all the other cakes and let cool.

10. EAT ALL OF THEM AT ONCE.  

Yes that's a steering wheel.  I had a cake pop for breakfast.  Don't judge me.

This was all a bit of an experiment not least because I'd never used a cake pop maker before so I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome.  Personally I think the texture of the cake was a bit close so I'll probably switch up the recipe a bit.  It could also be that the PB&J center affected the bake (ooooh I sound all Mary Berry!).  Regardless it'll need some refinement work which will mean a lot of tasting and then more tasting.
 

Damn.

Oooh, a snowy cookie!

The snow has finally begun to disappear (for us at least, and for now...?) and unfortunately no snow day for me.  For a train service that runs shockingly badly a vast proportion of the time, First Capital Connect actually managed to run services in and out of London with a decent amount of frequency. 

Damn.  I really wanted a snow day.

Anyway, talking of snow that seems like a great segue to another one of the Christmas recipes, Pfeffernusse, more German spiced cookies except these ones look like they've been dusted with snow! 

The recipe - Pfeffernuse (slightly adapted from Chow.com)

For the spiced sugar:

1 cup icing sugar
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
1/4 tsp ground mixed spice (I used my own mix which you can find here)

For the cookies:
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
1/2 tsp fine salt
1/4 tsp ground mixed spice (again, my own mix)
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup sliced almonds, toasted (I used pre-toasted almonds)
8 tbsp unsalted butter (1 stick), at room temperature
2 tsp packed finely grated lemon zest (from about 2 medium lemons)*
2 tsp packed finely grated orange zest (from 1 medium orange)*
1 cup packed dark brown sugar
1 large egg
3/4 cup honey (I used runny honey)
1/4 cup finely chopped candied lemon or orange peel (or a combination) (I couldn't find any...)

1. Start by making the spiced sugar (although you could equally do this while the cookie dough is is the fridge).  Sift all ingredients together into a large bowl; set aside.

2. Then move onto the cookies themselves....Sift together flour, cinnamon, baking soda, baking powder, ginger, nutmeg, salt, mixed spice, and pepper into a large bowl; set aside.

3. Place the almonds in the bowl of a food processor fitted with a blade attachment and process until finely ground, about 25 to 30 seconds. Add the almonds to the flour mixture and stir to combine; set aside (to be honest, I see no reason why you wouldn't just buy ready ground almonds to save a bit of time!).

4. Place the butter, lemon zest, and orange zest in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment and beat on medium speed until fluffy and combined, about 1 minute. Add the brown sugar and beat until incorporated and lightened in colour, about 1 minute. Add the egg and beat until incorporated, about 30 seconds more. Add the honey and candied lemon or orange peel (or mixture thereof) and beat until just incorporated, about 1 minute. Stop the mixer and scrape down the sides of the bowl and the paddle with a rubber spatula.

5. With the mixer on low, add the flour mixture in three additions, mixing until just combined, about 1 1/2 minutes total. (Do not over mix.) Cover and refrigerate the dough until firm, at least 1 hour (go wrap some presents, watch some tv, have a glass of wine...make more German cookies...).

6. Heat the oven to 350°F and arrange 2 racks to divide the oven into thirds. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper; set aside.

7. Roll the chilled dough into 24 (3/4-inch) balls and space them 1 1/2 inches apart on the prepared baking sheets. Bake the cookies for 8 minutes, then rotate the sheets from front to back and top to bottom. Continue baking until the cookies are very lightly browned around the edges, about 5 to 6 minutes more. (The tops will be soft, but they will firm up as the cookies stand.) Transfer the baking sheets to 2 wire racks and let the cookies sit until cool enough to handle but still warm, about 3 minutes.

8. Drop the warm cookies into the spiced sugar, making sure to coat them all over, then shake off any excess sugar and transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.

9. Repeat baking and sugarcoating with the remaining dough. Store the cookies in an airtight container, layered between pieces of waxed paper, for up to 3 weeks (if they last that long!).

Yes, I know this pic looks familiar...

So yes, another batch of yummy cookies.  Bueno.

Right, now I need to go and amend my profile because sadly our lovely cat Maverick is no longer with us.  RIP Mav :(

* Not sure what to do with the now naked orange and lemons and the bells of St Clements are nowhere nearby?  Why not make this little aperitif to go with your cookies??

Mini-Vicki-Union-Jackies

I wouldn't say I'm usually a massive monarchist but the Diamond Jubilee unearthed my patriotic side.  I think its got something to do with Pose - I want her to understand and be proud of her heritage so I was trying to explain to her about her country and our Queen.  I think she understood and by the end of the Jubilee weekend she was chanting God Save the Queen and asking me to sing the national anthem on repeat.  It was super cute.

Anyway, on the Friday before the big Jubilee weekend my team and I decided to have a little Jubilee afternoon tea and of course I wanted to make cakes of some description.  Now what cake to make?  What cake indeed?!  It would have to be a traditional Victoria sponge, and who better to look to for a recipe fit for a queen?  The queen of cakes of course, Mary Berry!  I have to say I was dubious about how good she is until I tried this cake and W-O-W.  That woman seriously knows her stuff.  Of course I had to put my own stamp on it...

The recipe - Mini-Vicki-Union-Jackies (adapted from the great Mary Berry's recipe)

For the sponge:

225 g (8 oz) softened butter

225 g (8 oz) caster sugar
4 large eggs
225 g (8 oz) self-raising flour
2 level tsp baking powder

For the filling:

300ml whipping cream

200g fresh strawberries

For the decoration:

Ready-to-roll white icing

Red food colouring

Blue food colouring

Strawberry jam for "glue" 

Icing sugar for dusting

Makes 9 Mini-Vicki-Sponges and 12 Cupcake-Vicki-Sponges (see next post)

1. Pre-heat the oven to 180°C/Fan 160°C/gas 4. Grease the tins.  

A baking shop has opened near my office (a baking shop? huzzah! yet more ways to spend when I should be saving....), I bought this little muffin pan especially for this recipe.  Its a silicon tray.  My first.  That's right, I just popped my silicon cherry for the queen.

Anyway, I love it and its perfect for little bite-size cakes!

2. Measure the butter, sugar, eggs, flour and baking powder into a large bowl and beat until thoroughly blended. Fill the mini-muffin tray about 2/3 full and then divide the remaining mixture evenly between the 12 hole cupcake tin and level out.

3. Bake in the pre-heated oven for about 25 minutes or until well risen and the tops of the cakes spring back when lightly pressed with a finger. Leave to cool in the tins for a few minutes then turn out and finish cooling on a wire rack.

4.  While the cakes are cooling (they're little so this is pretty quick) make the filling.  Take the strawberries and roughly cut them up, then mash them with a fork.  You are not aiming for mush though, you are aiming for a crush!  Whip the cream till thick and holds its shape.

When the cakes are completely cold, you can start decorating.

5. Cut the cakes in half horizontally; dollop some crushed strawberries onto the bottom layer; dollop whipped cream on top of the crushed strawberries; carefully place the top layer onto the cream and press carefully down.

6. Dust the work surface with icing sugar and roll out some of the ready-to-roll icing and taking a cookie cutter or anything you can find - I used a fluted cookie cutter donated by mother - and cut out a circle for each cake.

7. Spread a thin layer of jam onto the top of the cake and carefully place an icing circle on top.  Smooth over with flat fingers to ensure it is stuck down.

8. Put a couple of drops of red food colouring into a dish and add a little icing sugar to it (to thicken it).  Using a CLEAN thin paintbrush, paint a cross and four diagonal lines onto the icing.  Taking a separate dish, put a couple of drops of blue food colouring in and add a little icing sugar to it.  Paint blue triangles in the spaces between the red diagonal lines (make sense??? Look at the pics....)

TA DAAAAAAA!

I really loved these little cakes.  I was SO SO SOOOOO proud of them.  The cake was super tasty (Mary Berry really knows her stuff), the icing wasn't overwhelming, the filling yummy and they looked freaking awesome!  A perfect little cake for our little Jubilee afternoon tea.

I'll leave you on tenterhooks to see what I did with the Cupcake-Vicki-Sponges....in the meantime you can consider what on earth a "tenterhook" is!?

The Inappropriate Muffins

"Mummy lets make butterfly cookies" the Pose asked one Sunday while we were eating lunch.

"Ok Pose, if you are a good girl and eat all your sandwich we can make cookies" I lovingly replied.

"Ok mummy"

That's a verbal contract in my book.  

She didn't eat her sandwich.

Not the end of the world I grant you but with the current battle-of-wills-Mexican-style-stand-offs we have begun enduring as our little person demonstrates she has indeed inherited both her father's AND mother's stubborn-must-always-get-my-own-way-nature, I was determined to stick to my guns (ah the sweet sweet irony).

Within an hour I was feeling bad about it.  I had been away on the Thursday night for a biz trip and was departing for another 4 days on the Monday and wanted to have a nice Sunday with Posie.  I had also decided that it would be nice to leave something baked for them to eat while I was gone.  Plus muffins aren't cookies right, so I technically still won this battle (at least I'll keep telling myself that).

We all love blueberry muffins so it seemed logical that I'd make those to leave as a token of my love for my little family (ahhhhhhh).  Now here's where I admit that I've never made blueberry muffins from scratch.  Don't get me wrong, I've made them before but with a little help from Betty Crocker!  We have a little shop at the end of our road and they always have blueberries so we popped down to pick up a punnet.  Except they didn't have any today.  Le Pose spotted strawberries and bright little thing she is, suggested strawberry muffins.

After a little peruse on the t'interweb I found this recipe which seemed like good brekkie fodder...

The recipe - Strawberry Oatmeal Muffins courtesy of the Yummly website

1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup rolled oats
2 tsps baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
½ tsp ground cinnamon
½ tsp salt
1 beaten egg
½ cup milk
¼ cup olive oil (light)
½ cup sugar (I used caster)
½ pt strawberries (chopped fresh)

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Grease 12 muffin cups (I just put muffin/cupcake cases into muffin tins, I didn't bother with the oil). 

2. In a large bowl, mix flour, oats, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon and salt. In a separate bowl, whisk together egg, milk, olive oil and sugar. Mix in strawberries. Stir strawberry mixture into oat mixture just until evenly moist. Spoon into prepared muffin cups.

3. I then thinly sliced some strawberries to use for decoration and carefully pressed a slice into the top of each muffin.

4. Bake 18 to 20 minutes in the preheated oven, until a knife inserted in the center of a muffin comes out clean.

Ummmm...

They tasted great and at only 174 calories were great for a low cal breakfast (I found dumping low fat yoghurt on top made it even yummier).  The Pose and the hubster both enjoyed them so it made me very happy.  Until hubster made a comment on the appearance.  I was horrified.  These were made with the little one's "assistance" so I felt awful that without thinking I had made "inappropriate" muffins with my toddler....ooops.*

* If you can't see it I'm not explaining!  How embarrassing....(*hands her head in shame*)

Carrot juice tastes like evil

Its only since I became an "adult" (and I use that term with not just a grain of salt, but a ruddy great bucket of it) that I began to like carrot cake.  Actually it could have just been that the thought of putting carrot...in a...cake (!?) sent me into a great sadness ("why god why!?!?").  I mean vegetables...in a cake....that's just wrong on all levels.

Then there's the carrot factor.  A couple of weeks ago I was in Pret grabbing breakfast and saw a bottle of carrot juice.  It said "grab me" (it literally said "grab me" on the bottle) so I thought "sure, what the hell".  I mean how bad could it be?  My friend K is into juicing (vegetables not just fruit) and really seems to like her concoctions plus its meant to be super healthy.  I was also trying to be on a new year's health kick, the carrot juice just seemed to come along at the right time.

Sure.

I took a sip of the carrot juice and instantly regretted it.  It tasted like vomit.  Actually carroty vom.  I told myself off, I mean I'm an adult right?  It really can't be that bad, I'm sure I'll get used to it.  So I took another sip.  Still vom.  Another sip?  Yep, still carroty vom.  I gave up.  Carrot juice tastes evil.  I-kid-you-not.  It tastes like the carrot found out about the carrot juicing, topped itself then rotted in the bottle for a year.  I spent the rest of the day belching carrot juice and feeling like I would actually vom carrot juice.  It was vile.  Morning sickness was more fun.

Anyway I wasn't a fan of carrot cake until recently.  Now I realise that it doesn't taste vegetable-y (yes, that's a word, I just wrote it and spell check didn't correct it) or carroty vom, it actually tastes quite pleasant.

My NCT group were having a little meet up and I offered to bake (I'll take any excuse) and figured carrot cake would be a good option.  Now when I was pregnant and suffering from delusions of wanting to be the greatest-mummy-baker but being paranoid of making my unborn child fat, I bought the book Red Velvet Chocolate Heartache by Harry Eastwood.  Sounds good right?  Well there's a catch.  All of the recipes try to sneak in vegetables and contain very little fat.  Sounds like I'm talking sh*t?  To my constant surprise the recipes are actually pretty delish (I've secretly served the title chocolate cake (that contains aubergine, yes A.U.B.E.R.G.I.N.E.) to dinner guests and they've been very complimentary (and I don't think they were just being polite).  The recipes also seem to be largely gluten free.  So...

The recipe - Carrot Cake

I'm too lazy to type this up!

Basically follow the recipe!  Well, unless you're me.  I misread how much lime to use in the icing and instead put in the zest and juice of 1 whole lime (not just half the zest and 2tsp of the juice).  That being said everyone said they really enjoyed the zingy icing.

The recipe doesn't go into any detail on how to go about icing the cake so I've put some pictures below:

1. Put a big dollop of icing in the centre of the base cake (my base cake was a little bigger than the top cake - I realised all too late that none of my 3 loose bottom tins are the same size!).

2. Using a palette knife, spread the icing out across the base.

3. Carefully place the top cake onto the bottom cake and repeat steps 1 and 2 for the top cake.

4. Make some little carrots!!  Using some fondant icing, mix a little water, a couple of drops of red food colouring and a lot of drops of yellow food colouring (alternatively just use orange food colouring!!) and mix into a pliable dough.  Sprinkle some icing sugar onto a board and pop the icing ball onto the board.

5. Now I tried 2 different ways to make the carrot decorations.  The first way I split the dough into 4 portions and then tried to shape the dough into carrot shapes.  This didn't seem to work too well and in fact looked like I was trying to replicate an earlier creation.  I wasn't thrilled with the results of the second way but I needed to leave for the meet-up so the second way was the only way...I started by flattening the ball with the palm of my hand.

6.  Using a knife cut 2 eye shapes out of the icing and cut each of the eye shapes in half again.

7. Taking the knife, make several horizontal gashes across the surface of the "carrots".

8. Next I added a ton of green food colouring to the left over orange icing (yes I could have started again but I HATE waste) and flatten the icing out.  Then cut the icing into thin strips.

9. Cut the long green strips in half and layer them on the cake like the roots of the carrot and place the carrot gently overlapping the ends.

10. Continue to do the same for the other 3 carrots.

The cake tasted really good, even if I do say so myself.  My icing carrots were a bit of a disappointment though.  The icing wouldn't set so the carrots got a little limp.  I'm not having much luck with fondant icing!

All that aside, the cake went down a treat at the meet-up and I was able to take some leftovers to the folks (they had offered to babysit for us that night and I felt I should take some cake by way of a thank you).  In fact, my father insisted I left him the last of the cake.  Sounds like a success to me.

"You gotta plan these things. Even if it's just a post it on your desk at work when you should be doing something else. Some people doodle when they are dodging work, I apparently draw penis cakes"

Before I even begin, firstly I apologise for failing in my task of blogging each week and not posting last week.  I was afflicted with a plague!!  Well not quite that dramatic but I got the flu and wasn't a well bunny.  I did bake albeit in a hazy, flu induced state and following that promptly went to bed for a week.  Secondly, I have to forewarn you that this post features the word "penis" and penis shaped objects.  'Rents and in laws, I sincerely apologise if this causes any offence...

I also apologise about the photos in this post (a) there are A LOT; and (b) blogger seems to be taking editorial decisions for me and uploaded several the wrong way round.  Oh well.

My lovely friend, the Ginger Ninja, was turning 30 and for her surprise party our friend M and I decided wouldn't it be nice if we baked her a birthday cake...in the shape of a penis...with ginger pubes.  I know I know, we are truly caring sharing sorta gals.  We discussed, at some length, whether to use a penis shaped cake pan or whether to carve a cake into shape and how to create the ginger pubes - I was all about trying to spin sugar and was really looking forward to having a bash at it.  I had been ridiculously excited about attempting this cake for weeks. 

Anyone would think my friends and I have a some sort of penis obsession.  For another friend's wedding we decided that the hen party wouldn't be complete without a penis piñata, so one of the other bridesmaids painstakingly constructed a colourful penis piñata.  The first attempt didn't work.  The balloons she had used to do the paper mache started losing air so the whole pinata became...ahem...flaccid.  Of course we found this hysterical and many many (many) jokes followed on a pretty common theme.  The second one came out awesome although the hens got a little too carried away whacking it.

ANYWAY, I know, I'm so far off track here....

Finally the cake baking week came and unfortunately poor M was unwell so I threw myself into the task with great gusto.  After much um-ing and ah-ing I decided to make 3 cakes - 2 round and 1 oblong which I would then trim as necessary.  I had considered making 1 big sheet cake and then cutting that down but couldn't bear the thought of throwing so much cake away.

Seriously.  I planned it on a post-it.

Seriously.  I planned it on a post-it.

So, I left work that night announcing to all that I needed to leave on time because I had to go home and bake a penis cake.

Having researched a couple of recipes I settled on a basic sponge recipe I found on the BBC's Good Food website.  I have to admit that I settled on this recipe because when I   looked in the fridge I realised I had forgotten to buy more eggs and didn't have much baking powder left.  I was conscious that the recipe for 1 cake probably wouldn't be big enough, so having 5 eggs at my disposal I recalculated the recipe (the recipe called for 3 eggs, so I divided each ingredient quantity in the original recipe by 3 then multiplied the result by 5 - very scientific - I am very smart - Stephen Hawking cowers in my presence).  I have set out the amended recipe below but also provided a link to the original recipe.  To be honest, because of what I was attempting to create, other than the basic cake ingredients and the oven temperature the recipe instructions are all from my very "special" brain.  I have included plenty of construction pics though since my brain doesn't quite know how to explain itself sometimes.  Case in point - I was explaining to 2 colleagues the other day what my wedding dress looked like (very pretty) and managed to make it sound more like something from "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding".

The recipe - Penis Cake! (with thanks for the recipe from BBC's Good Food website)

For the cake:

292g unsalted butter, softened

292g caster sugar

1⅔ tsp baking powder

2½ tsp vanilla extract (I actually make my own vanilla extract, its easy peasy)

5 eggs
292g self-raising flour
2 tsp red food colouring 

For the filling:
Seedless raspberry jam
Vanilla frosting (I cheated and used Betty Crocker Vanilla Frosting)

For the icing:
500g fondant icing
9 drops of pink food colouring
Tube of white writing icing

You will also need:
1 x 8in/1.5qt glass loaf dish
1 x 1qt glass bowl (if you have 2, even better)
6x1in wide long pieces of baking parchment
1x8in wide long piece of baking parchment

1. Heat the oven to 180C/fan 160C/gas 4.  Butter the loaf dish and bowl, line the bowl with 3 of the 1in wide pieces of baking parchment (you may need a little extra butter where the paper overlaps) and line the loaf dish with the with the larger piece of baking parchment:

2. Beat all the cake ingredients together in a large bowl (if possible one with measurements on it) until smooth.  Unfortunately I didn't soften my butter enough (read: at all) so my batter was a little lumpy.  Given what I was making, it did kinda give me the "ew" factor.  Pour 1/3 of the batter into each dish and level out. 

3. Bake for about 50 mins-1 hr until they are well risen and spring back when lightly pressed (or do the skewer test). Leave to cool for 5 minutes then turn out onto a rack (you may need to run a knife around the edge but the paper should help you pull the cakes out of the dishes) and peel away the paper.  

I agree, it looks pretty gross.

4. Butter and line the bowl with the 3 remaining pieces of baking parchment (you may need to wash the bowl to remove any crumbs first) pour in the last of the batter and repeat step 3.  

5. Once cooled, put the 3 cakes onto a large board and get ready for carving.  

6. Start by cutting a 1/4 out of each bowl cake (can I really use the real term??) and set aside.

Pac-man had never felt so ashamed (or exposed)

7. Arrange the bowls at the base of the oblong cake (I just can't bring myself to say it...).  You may need to carve a straight edge on each bowl to make sure they sit well together.  Then take the 2 cut-out quarters and arrange at the top of the oblong cake.

8. Now to get to shaping...flatten off the base of the "tips" so they sit flat on the board then do the same for the bowls. Next round off the top of each bowl and plug the space where the quarters were removed using the off-cuts.

9. Next onto filling.  Cut each piece in half so you can create a sandwich.  Brush off any crumbs (I used a pastry brush) and position the bottom layer on the serving dish/board.  Spread a layer of the frosting all over each piece.

Its got white stuff in it...heeheehee!

10. Carefully take each top piece, spread it with jam and layer it onto its corresponding bottom layer.  Its best to start with the oblong cake and build around it.  Again, brush off any crumbs and spread a very thin layer of jam over the top of the cake and let the jam set.

11. Now here comes the decorating part.  In my head I had firmly decided I would use rolled icing and was extremely confident I could do it.  My confidence wasn't completely unfounded though.  My mum is a very talented cake decorator and as I grew up she was often making wedding cakes and celebration cakes for various friends and family.  Most recently she made my bubba's 1st birthday cake (a duck pond complete with ducks) but she also made my wedding cake.  

This pic really doesn't do it enough justice.
It looked like a pile of wedding presents.

As I got older I often helped my ma with the cake decorating including wedding cakes and her cousin's 40th birthday cake - the infamous "boobs in a bra cake", which were scarily realistic (and you wonder why I felt so comfortable making the penis cake!? Who's feeling foolish now, huh?)  Point is I thought that mixing some pink icing to roll out and cover the cake would be a piece of cake (oooh, do you see what I did there?).  I was wrong.  The icing finally came into a ball and was a good looking colour, however the rolling was a different matter entirely.  Every time I rolled it out some part of the icing stuck firmly to the board and then completely tore when I tried to remove it (and yes, I did put a lot of icing down before I started rolling).  After several attempts, a LOT of swearing, a bit of crying and a teensy tantrum I ended up chucking the icing in the bin.  It just wasn't working.  Thankfully some foresight had made me buy 2 boxes of icing so after some urging by my ever-frustrated counterpart I decided to make spreadable/pourable fondant icing.  Simply follow the instructions on the packet and add the pink colouring (again look at the bottle for guidance), then carefully spoon the icing over the cake.  It should (although you may need to do a bit of coaxing) gently slide over the cake, covering it.  Patch up any exposed bits of cake with extra icing.

Amazingly the fondant clings to the cake really nicely giving it a a scarily realistic look!

Amazingly the fondant clings to the cake really nicely giving it a
a scarily realistic look!

12.  Clean the plate of any stray icing.  Take the white writing icing and, starting at the tip, write your greeting (unfortunately mine looks like I let my little-one do this for me and I was pretty disappointed with the writing) and you're done.

  

TA DAAAAAA - PENIS CAKE!

Unfortunately by the time I was done the flu had taken over and I was feeling really poorly.  No pubes would be produced.  Deflated, I promptly went upstairs and went to sleep for the rest of the day.  The husband told me I was restricted to bed rest so no party for me, however we compromised that I could drop the cake off.  We trundled off to the restaurant where I stayed to say "surprise" and "look what I made you!" and also to realise that my friend's parents were also at the party.  So yes, I'm the girl that presented a penis cake to my friend's parents.

The feedback from M was great though.  I hear it prompted a lot of laughter (including the parents) and nearly all of it was eaten.  Score!!  As a final point, it must be said that if you ever decide to make a penis cake try and transport it in something that isn't see through.  I just covered the cake in cling film and then felt like a massive weirdo walking into a very nice restaurant with what looked like an enormous penis on a plate.